Sooo where did it start exactly?

I wish I could pinpoint a singular moment, but it's been as long as I can remember... It all kinda blends into this frantic whirlwind of emotions! I've always been this terrified broken little girl. Well. That or a cold hard bitch... But that comes a little later! It's silly but I really think it started with loud noises. I could never quite take them. Be it a vacuum or toilet flushing... The water being let out of the tub! It didn't matter. Panic would rise up through my body until it erupted. That's when the running began. More literally then. Just outrunning the sound. Then about 8, the real fun began. Waking up in the middle of the night terrified. Panic consuming me! It wasn't fear of anything in paticular. I didn't know to rationalize my feelings yet. Later I will pawn them off on other things almost as though they were justified. But then? I would just get up and pace from my room to my grandparents and back... Short broken trips! Half way, most of the way, to the couch, to my bed, a quarter way -- never quite making it to the door. No order. Just madness. Madness I would later lock away so deep even I didn't know it existed! Hell. Even those effected by it didn't know! I can manipulate perceptions effortlessly and it's not like I look crazy. No one knows what lurks behind this fake smile. Ooh and smile I did! As much a possible. 'Happiness is a conscious choice' right?! That was my motto until my secret got out. See... I always thought happiness was a mindset, not an emotion. That as long as I looked ok on the outside the inside would be ok too. Though that never quite rang true, I was almost entirely convinced...