Emotional VS. Rational

I've come to realize I have two states... One being completely sane and rational, the other being the complete opposite -- driven by pure emotion! I used to have more of a grasp on my sanity believe it or not. Anymore that part of me is just a witness. I can see the way I'm being but I can't stop it.... I'm a slave in my own body! Which only adds to more self hate -- as if I don't have enough! It's this separation that's got its hold on me. My emotions are in complete control, and now that I actually know what's going on, I have no choice but to be honest with myself! I can't ignore my thoughts or feelings anymore. I can't cope by pawning it off on something else. Now, I'm also stuck with the reality that it was my own issues making me unhappy -- not 'him'... So I ended another marriage! I'm yet again a FAILURE. And of course he's happiest without all the crazy; not that I blame him! Even I dream about the past, before my lie came unraveled! But it just adds to the already intolerable hurt. I do try to give myself credit though. I'm not lashing out anymore. I'm under control 99% of the time with others... I just need to learn to be equally gentle with myself! That part isn't so easy though. On a daily I find myself fantasizing about an end to all this pain! Some days... A lot of days, I can't even function! And what's the point in living as a burden to those you love?! But right when I am about to take the plunge the fear sets in. Do I really wanna die?! No! I just wanna get better... I just wanna feel normal for once in my life!!! But even just a bit of validation from someone I love makes everything tolerable for another day... Because, I guess, my real issue is that feel like everyone and everything would be better off without me! But during my episodes, I just end up going completely psycho and pushing everyone away even more. I unconsciously twist everyone else's words into my fears. Now that I see this though, I am finally fighting against my emotional self. It's not anyone else's fault! I won't... I can't let this beat me! I've been through harder times than this, which is what brought on this disorder. It was a blessing then -- not a curse. At one point it's what actually kept me alive so I damn sure can't let it take me now! I'm aware of it now and no longer need it's protection so now I have the ability to get better... I just have to MAKE myself! I just hope, more than anything, the people I love will know that this is not me... That I am not this disorder, and even though it's hard, almost unbearable even, I really CAN get better, WITH THEIR HELP!!!