Genuine anger!

I am so mad right now, and for the first time, absolutely PROUD of it! Why? Because I'm NOT stuck in some blinding rage where I can't formulate a rational thought. Because I don't have the urge to rip off the flesh that's boiling beneath my skin... Which happens more than I'd like to admit! But now? I'm almost calm, and it feels so good to be in control! Not to down play my emotion, I am absolutely livid... But this time it's me -- not my bpd! The more I read about this damn disorder, the more upset I get. At first I felt hope, but now... Judgement. Intolerance. Hate. Granted I am defensive, but this feels like an attack! I feel the need to defend myself. I am not some crazed psychopath that doesn't know right from wrong. I don't abuse the people that I love. I don't do anything to get what I want. And I am certainly not out of touch with reality! So what is Tara's bpd? It's uncontrollably intense emotion... Emotion I battle my internal self with daily so I don't make others suffer! I can explode but it's generally from a founded point -- though sometimes trivial! I can't say I always treat people the best during my episodes. I know that though, so when I calm down, I apologize. I try to walk away when I can! I'm brutally honest and try to deal with issues before they overwhelm me. Not that I'm perfect but I try. Why? Because I DO CARE! I get cold and distant but it passes. My biggest issues? Not making the effort to keep in touch. I hate that about myself. I just have no motivation for anything at all most times -- my existance feels like a chore! The rest of the time I'm so obsessive that nothing is ever good enough. I will lock myself away in my head a lot and be overly sensative. I unintentionally make double standards because it takes forever to forgive past disgressions. I allow myself to get walked on and used so when I finally stand up for myself it's excessive. My days run together and I daydream... My memory isn't so good either! I remember things correctly though. It's not some formulated story, like these websites warn. Honestly I think bpd runs in my family but aside from that, my life was filled with multiple types of abuse and neglect! Not that I want or expect to be felt sorry for... But there are sites that say bpds use made up abuse to manipulate affection?! I'm so disgusted by that. I need help and am reaching out but these sites make me look and feel like a monster. I wondered if that was how my friends viewed me! But it isn't. My friends protect and watch out for me... Because they love me in spite of my faults! So today I am thankful. I have a strong support system backing me up! I've had these friends for years with minimal conflict! Not that my love life has been so smooth but my relationships last years. I'm not this stereotype and I refuse to be placed in some demented category because of an illness. My name is not Borderline -- it's Tara, and my disorder does not define me!