Emotional VS. Rational

I've come to realize I have two states... One being completely sane and rational, the other being the complete opposite -- driven by pure emotion! I used to have more of a grasp on my sanity believe it or not. Anymore that part of me is just a witness. I can see the way I'm being but I can't stop it.... I'm a slave in my own body! Which only adds to more self hate -- as if I don't have enough! It's this separation that's got its hold on me. My emotions are in complete control, and now that I actually know what's going on, I have no choice but to be honest with myself! I can't ignore my thoughts or feelings anymore. I can't cope by pawning it off on something else. Now, I'm also stuck with the reality that it was my own issues making me unhappy -- not 'him'... So I ended another marriage! I'm yet again a FAILURE. And of course he's happiest without all the crazy; not that I blame him! Even I dream about the past, before my lie came unraveled! But it just adds to the already intolerable hurt. I do try to give myself credit though. I'm not lashing out anymore. I'm under control 99% of the time with others... I just need to learn to be equally gentle with myself! That part isn't so easy though. On a daily I find myself fantasizing about an end to all this pain! Some days... A lot of days, I can't even function! And what's the point in living as a burden to those you love?! But right when I am about to take the plunge the fear sets in. Do I really wanna die?! No! I just wanna get better... I just wanna feel normal for once in my life!!! But even just a bit of validation from someone I love makes everything tolerable for another day... Because, I guess, my real issue is that feel like everyone and everything would be better off without me! But during my episodes, I just end up going completely psycho and pushing everyone away even more. I unconsciously twist everyone else's words into my fears. Now that I see this though, I am finally fighting against my emotional self. It's not anyone else's fault! I won't... I can't let this beat me! I've been through harder times than this, which is what brought on this disorder. It was a blessing then -- not a curse. At one point it's what actually kept me alive so I damn sure can't let it take me now! I'm aware of it now and no longer need it's protection so now I have the ability to get better... I just have to MAKE myself! I just hope, more than anything, the people I love will know that this is not me... That I am not this disorder, and even though it's hard, almost unbearable even, I really CAN get better, WITH THEIR HELP!!!

All we are is dust in the wind...

This is the moment that causes fear and panic to rise up inside of me, leaving me powerless... The moment when I have stop and to actually take a look at myself in the mirror... When all my failed lives add up and only the fragmented pieces are left for me to find myself in! No wonder I don't deal well with separation -- it means I'm stuck with myself. And another piece of me dies that I once believed in... What's even left? The sad, broken little girl underneath it all -- no happier or any more figured out than before! What am I looking for anyway? What am I running away from?! I feel like I'm on a constant search for something that not even I am aware of... Something I can never seem to find! It's an endless torturous cycle that I don't know how to break out of. Every time I think I've found something, I just end up worse off than before. I feel like giving up! I have no motivation for life anymore...

One step forward, two steps back...

Today I finally called a psychiatrist. Tears were welling up in my eyes and my chest was tight and burning, but thankfully I was able to choke out enough information to make an appointment! I should feel amazing for taking a step forward. Well I should -- should but don't! Today has been a black hole sucking me into oblivion. I've really just been a mess since last night, when my estranged husband told me he's happy. Never have such positive words been so negative to me... What I heard was "I'm better off without you, I never really loved you, and our whole relationship was a lie" and/or "I found someone better". My mind plays these things like a skipping soundtrack -- over and over! I feel like I could rip my own heart out and feed it to him on a platter, still beating! Of course, I ran out on him, like so many times before. I didn't like who he made me and I felt incomplete... Little did I know that was me -- not him! Not as though he was perfect. Far from actually! I just couldn't handle the stress the first year of a quicky marriage dealt me. I didn't feel loved so eventually, I found another savior. One who is absolutely amazing I must say. One who would give his last breath if only it meant I'd smile... So of course my slow destruction of him starts now! Not as though I want it to. I give my all to show him love and appreciation. I just feel disconnected. I keep thinking about my second failed marriage and how life was more bearable then. I couldn't even tell I was sick. Was it all bound to collapse anyway? Would knowing my problem of saved things? Or do I just need him now to validate my existence?! Not even I know the answer to that! It was certainly better than my first marriage though. At least I am a lot better, as sad as that may sound. I slowly ripped out my high school sweetheart's soul... After trampling his heart of course! It's what I do. I'm a slave to this disorder sometimes. A mindless puppet. Don't get me wrong. My first marriage changed me considerably! I learned then that you make the right decision no matter how you feel... Simply because it is the right thing to do! I don't lie or cheat now. I treat others how I want to be treated and control my mania... Minus a few episodes, but I always apologize! Most of my friends and family just think I'm high strung. I keep myself in check mostly... It's when the stress takes over that I crumble! And then I can only react. Sometimes my sane self is even in there somewhere, watching helplessly. But not even I can save her...

Genuine anger!

I am so mad right now, and for the first time, absolutely PROUD of it! Why? Because I'm NOT stuck in some blinding rage where I can't formulate a rational thought. Because I don't have the urge to rip off the flesh that's boiling beneath my skin... Which happens more than I'd like to admit! But now? I'm almost calm, and it feels so good to be in control! Not to down play my emotion, I am absolutely livid... But this time it's me -- not my bpd! The more I read about this damn disorder, the more upset I get. At first I felt hope, but now... Judgement. Intolerance. Hate. Granted I am defensive, but this feels like an attack! I feel the need to defend myself. I am not some crazed psychopath that doesn't know right from wrong. I don't abuse the people that I love. I don't do anything to get what I want. And I am certainly not out of touch with reality! So what is Tara's bpd? It's uncontrollably intense emotion... Emotion I battle my internal self with daily so I don't make others suffer! I can explode but it's generally from a founded point -- though sometimes trivial! I can't say I always treat people the best during my episodes. I know that though, so when I calm down, I apologize. I try to walk away when I can! I'm brutally honest and try to deal with issues before they overwhelm me. Not that I'm perfect but I try. Why? Because I DO CARE! I get cold and distant but it passes. My biggest issues? Not making the effort to keep in touch. I hate that about myself. I just have no motivation for anything at all most times -- my existance feels like a chore! The rest of the time I'm so obsessive that nothing is ever good enough. I will lock myself away in my head a lot and be overly sensative. I unintentionally make double standards because it takes forever to forgive past disgressions. I allow myself to get walked on and used so when I finally stand up for myself it's excessive. My days run together and I daydream... My memory isn't so good either! I remember things correctly though. It's not some formulated story, like these websites warn. Honestly I think bpd runs in my family but aside from that, my life was filled with multiple types of abuse and neglect! Not that I want or expect to be felt sorry for... But there are sites that say bpds use made up abuse to manipulate affection?! I'm so disgusted by that. I need help and am reaching out but these sites make me look and feel like a monster. I wondered if that was how my friends viewed me! But it isn't. My friends protect and watch out for me... Because they love me in spite of my faults! So today I am thankful. I have a strong support system backing me up! I've had these friends for years with minimal conflict! Not that my love life has been so smooth but my relationships last years. I'm not this stereotype and I refuse to be placed in some demented category because of an illness. My name is not Borderline -- it's Tara, and my disorder does not define me!

How quickly things change.

Well it WAS a relatively positive day, I was hopeful even, but in an instant that was shattered and again I fall into this pit of despair. It started with fear, as it usually does. I was reading Buddha and the Borderline, which seems like a story I forgot I had written! It's me, plain and simply -- every aspect of who I am is a merely a symptom it seems. Even physical things like my sex drive. Sometimes it scares me, so, of course turn to the only person who has really been there for me, who knows what's going on and is understanding! But even he takes it personally now. Things beyond my control are offensive! I trustingly turned to him but it feels as though I face planted into a wall instead. He doesn't like what I blame on this disorder... Blame? Even the word makes my skin burn! No one understands. Then he complains I don't turn to him. Even though since I've found out I turn most of my anger into tears. I truly don't wanna treat people badly anymore! I've been biting my tongue and walking away. I've been opening up! Trying to show my love and appreciation better... Being disgustingly needy even! Why is nothing ever enough? Apparently there's just no one can accept me -- faults and all! So here we go... Back to trusting no one! Back to feeling all alone... Will this cycle ever end? Or do I have to??!

How my secret got out...

It may sound silly but I never quite know, day to day, where my mind will take me... There's always a million thoughts at once! But today? I almost feel level headed. I'm sleepy so my brain is a bit calmer I suppose?! It seems I can never sleep anymore. But I'll take this as a blessing in disguise today. Recently I've just been obsessing about bpd. I barely knew it existed a month ago, and it's almost funny what lead me here. I've always kinda attracted 'crazy' people, be it a friendship or more, it's as though they're drawn to me. My current boyfriend is pretty manic himself. During one of our fights he ate a ton of amitriptyline and needless to say wound up in the ward. That's when the mention of bpd came about. He showed symptoms they said. I simply shrugged it off, as they put him on antidepressants and sent him on his way. It was actually the miracle of prozac that got me thinking happiness was obtainable. One magic pill that makes everything better? I was sold! I already self medicate with cannibus but it's been too short lived as of late... Or my episodes have become longer and more frequent?! I decided to ask my best friend, who should truly have a degree in psychology after all her issues, if prozac would help me... She said I should check out dbt! I tried to look into it but all I could find was the word BORDERLINE! And that? My goodness... It was like reading a medical excerpt of my diary! It was a comfort at first, being able to put a name to it. If there's something actually wrong with me that means I can fix it right?! But the more I read the sadder I got. People HATE bpds! There are support sites for leaving them or for the 'abuse' they bestow. Am I really an abuser? It certainly paralleled my life... Almost as though my entire existance was written out before I lived it! From my childhood to my personality, my relationships. EVERYTHING! And now I'm not sure where borderline ends an I begin...

Sooo where did it start exactly?

I wish I could pinpoint a singular moment, but it's been as long as I can remember... It all kinda blends into this frantic whirlwind of emotions! I've always been this terrified broken little girl. Well. That or a cold hard bitch... But that comes a little later! It's silly but I really think it started with loud noises. I could never quite take them. Be it a vacuum or toilet flushing... The water being let out of the tub! It didn't matter. Panic would rise up through my body until it erupted. That's when the running began. More literally then. Just outrunning the sound. Then about 8, the real fun began. Waking up in the middle of the night terrified. Panic consuming me! It wasn't fear of anything in paticular. I didn't know to rationalize my feelings yet. Later I will pawn them off on other things almost as though they were justified. But then? I would just get up and pace from my room to my grandparents and back... Short broken trips! Half way, most of the way, to the couch, to my bed, a quarter way -- never quite making it to the door. No order. Just madness. Madness I would later lock away so deep even I didn't know it existed! Hell. Even those effected by it didn't know! I can manipulate perceptions effortlessly and it's not like I look crazy. No one knows what lurks behind this fake smile. Ooh and smile I did! As much a possible. 'Happiness is a conscious choice' right?! That was my motto until my secret got out. See... I always thought happiness was a mindset, not an emotion. That as long as I looked ok on the outside the inside would be ok too. Though that never quite rang true, I was almost entirely convinced...