One step forward, two steps back...

Today I finally called a psychiatrist. Tears were welling up in my eyes and my chest was tight and burning, but thankfully I was able to choke out enough information to make an appointment! I should feel amazing for taking a step forward. Well I should -- should but don't! Today has been a black hole sucking me into oblivion. I've really just been a mess since last night, when my estranged husband told me he's happy. Never have such positive words been so negative to me... What I heard was "I'm better off without you, I never really loved you, and our whole relationship was a lie" and/or "I found someone better". My mind plays these things like a skipping soundtrack -- over and over! I feel like I could rip my own heart out and feed it to him on a platter, still beating! Of course, I ran out on him, like so many times before. I didn't like who he made me and I felt incomplete... Little did I know that was me -- not him! Not as though he was perfect. Far from actually! I just couldn't handle the stress the first year of a quicky marriage dealt me. I didn't feel loved so eventually, I found another savior. One who is absolutely amazing I must say. One who would give his last breath if only it meant I'd smile... So of course my slow destruction of him starts now! Not as though I want it to. I give my all to show him love and appreciation. I just feel disconnected. I keep thinking about my second failed marriage and how life was more bearable then. I couldn't even tell I was sick. Was it all bound to collapse anyway? Would knowing my problem of saved things? Or do I just need him now to validate my existence?! Not even I know the answer to that! It was certainly better than my first marriage though. At least I am a lot better, as sad as that may sound. I slowly ripped out my high school sweetheart's soul... After trampling his heart of course! It's what I do. I'm a slave to this disorder sometimes. A mindless puppet. Don't get me wrong. My first marriage changed me considerably! I learned then that you make the right decision no matter how you feel... Simply because it is the right thing to do! I don't lie or cheat now. I treat others how I want to be treated and control my mania... Minus a few episodes, but I always apologize! Most of my friends and family just think I'm high strung. I keep myself in check mostly... It's when the stress takes over that I crumble! And then I can only react. Sometimes my sane self is even in there somewhere, watching helplessly. But not even I can save her...