Well it WAS a relatively positive day, I was hopeful even, but in an instant that was shattered and again I fall into this pit of despair. It started with fear, as it usually does. I was reading Buddha and the Borderline, which seems like a story I forgot I had written! It's me, plain and simply -- every aspect of who I am is a merely a symptom it seems. Even physical things like my sex drive. Sometimes it scares me, so, of course turn to the only person who has really been there for me, who knows what's going on and is understanding! But even he takes it personally now. Things beyond my control are offensive! I trustingly turned to him but it feels as though I face planted into a wall instead. He doesn't like what I blame on this disorder... Blame? Even the word makes my skin burn! No one understands. Then he complains I don't turn to him. Even though since I've found out I turn most of my anger into tears. I truly don't wanna treat people badly anymore! I've been biting my tongue and walking away. I've been opening up! Trying to show my love and appreciation better... Being disgustingly needy even! Why is nothing ever enough? Apparently there's just no one can accept me -- faults and all! So here we go... Back to trusting no one! Back to feeling all alone... Will this cycle ever end? Or do I have to??!
You should knowi accept you for who you are, in my eyes you have no faults. you are the kindest most loving person i know and those who can not see that are blind. i have and will always look up to you. Yes sometimes you get frustrated and angry(something we have in common) but you always manage to turn that anger and frustration into understanding and empathy never into hatred where you get the strength to do that ill never know. i admire and envy your ability to forgive. i love you whole hartedly and would never trade you for anything or anyone. i am HONORED to be your little sister and hope that i become as strong as you are. there is no one on this earth who could ever be as amazing and special and as loved as you are. i love you
ReplyDeleteI love you so dearly and this comment made me all sappy and teary eyed! I love what you see in me. I bottle a lot inside so I don't feel I deserve this entirely... But I do know right from wrong! I've just learned I have to make a conscious effort to do the right thing versus following every irrational emotion or whim I have. It took a lot of mistakes to get me here, and I am finally starting to be proud! I just need to regulate my feelings better.
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